Love and Sex
A while ago, I did a knowing your self worth post for side chicks and jump offs and this will be the follow up to that post. No, I have never been a side chick, but I have been in a position before where I was more like the wife in those circumstances.
I happen to be majoring in Business Administration and minoring in Public policy. I should (finally) be getting my degree by next summer. During my time in school, I have learned so many things about business policy, corporations, marketing, economics and accounting that I figure, why not apply that to everyday life. This post is called protecting you brand. Your brand is you. You are a market leader. That means that you are number #1 in whatever you do and maintain your position by delivering results, best customer service, and most important, a quality product. Market leaders are who McDonalds’ and Walmart are. They are recognizable and established brands that people know and most trust. Everyone else are either market challengers and niches. They are the Burger Kings, the Targets and the Trader Joe’s of the world. They are vying to take the spot if you’re not careful. In other words, these can be the groupies, haters, jump offs, friends of friends, that want what you have and what you represent. They can also be your biggest onstacle to building your brand and can come in the form of fears and insecurities.
Building you brand involves careful planning and positioning. Ask yourself who you are and what you want to represent. Are you someone that’s assertive and likes to take charge? Are you more introverted and likes to act behind the scenes? What about your appearance? Do you like to dress sexy and wear revealing clothing? Or are you into a more classic style? Branding is more than what’s on the ouside, but also what kind of value you bring to the table. These are the expectations of what said product(you), can offer to the public or potential suitors. If you have a college degree, certificates, own your own home, own your own car, these can help boost your brand. These let others know that what you bring to the table is something special and it makes you stand out amongst the crowd. It’s what makes McDonald’s #1 because they offer the value meal. It’s what makes Walmart #1 because of their low prices.
In economics, there’s absolute advantage and theres comparative advantage. Absolute advantage means that you can produce a product not only much better than your competition, but you are the only one that can produce that product. No one, has an absolute advantage over anything. There will always be someone that may be prettier than you, smarter than you, or can out-perfrom you in bed. In economic terms, comparative advantage is when 2 countries trade off what they produce the most. Comparative advantage what most people have. It’s about playing to your strengths and less to your weaknesses. Of course, there’s always room for improvement and working on weaknesses can become an asset to your overall brand, but at best, one would just end up mediocre. For example, I hate math and barely pass all of my math courses. I can work on improving my grades, but at best I usually end up with a C+ or if I’m lucky this semester a B-. Meanwhile my strengths are foriegn languages and history and I get A’s everytime. Playing to you strengths sets you up for success and greatness.
Now, of course their are competitors. These are the market challengers and niches that want to take the top spot. They don’t want you to get promoted at your job, they don’t want you to get the guy/girl that you want. A lot of times, these people want to see you fail because let’s face it, being number #1 is a lot better then a #2 or 3 spot. And as far as niches go, they specialize in a certain type of customer. They cater to whatever that customer’s interest lie and market’s to that customer’s specific need. They are not neccessarily interested in being #1, but it would be nice if they were. Trader Joes’ offers healthy and organic fare under their own brand name at a much lower price than Whole Foods. Jump-offs offer (oral) sex and tend to out perform you in bed. That homeboy(girl) that you hang out with all the time only provides a good laugh and has your back but you know he/she is not serious about their own lives and has no intention for improvement(This is when they turn into haters). I usually tend to steer away from people who have nothing going on for them but keep them at a distance. Guilt by association still rings true today and why risk damaging your brand because your homegirl decides she wants to sleep with a bunch of guys. It’s why athletes tend to lose their endorsements because of morality clauses and the fact that brands such as Pepsi, and Nike, have images to uphold.
As I explained earlier, fear and insecurity is your biggest detriment to your brand success. What is keeping you back from fulfilling your dreams? Is it the fear of the unknown or the fear of failure? Life is about taking risks, facing fear in the face of adversity and following your own path to success. The great ones such as Pepsi, Coke, Michael Jordan, and Pres Barack Obama all became successful despite fear. All it took was an idea and a little faith to make it happen. Sometimes were are so worried about the forbidden “I told you so” from others when we do fail a t something that we just don’t try. When building your own brand, failure is part of the process. One can’t have success without failure and learning from it.
Branding YOU involves presenting a clear vision of who you are and what you represent. It’s about building credibility and positioning yourself in a large market where you have to be competitive. Do you want to be Nike or Reebok? Beyonce’ or Rihanna? What does your brand say about you?Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )
It really irks me when people, especially black people, are picky as hell about their food, but they will go downtown on just about any(one)thing. I was speaking to someone the other day about how I would love to be on that show Bizarre Foods because it’s just looks like something up my alley and he told me that she couldn’t eat that stuf(understandable) but then went on to say how he only eats foods he recognizes. So I asked what he meant by that and threw out some examples to him and he goes, “Goat Cheese??? Hell damn no. Medium rare filet mignon?? My meat better be well done or else I’m taking it back. Christine, Why you like that bougie food anyway?” His ignorance was astounding. But nonetheless not surprising.
So is goat cheese, brie and sushi considered bougie? Only rich people eat that stuf? I must have missed that. But anyway, I wanted to ask him has he ever performed oral sex on anyone, but I’ll assume the answer is yes. And I’m pretty sure that there are other’s like him that don’t mind going down under to the briny deep. Appearance? Hey they all look the same(ok, most). Besides, that’s just a mole at the tip. Smell? slightly fishy, but he’ll do it just once since she did it on him first. She might be having a bad day. Or, if she’s going on him, he doused it with cologne and now you’re smelling like Black Polo. Taste? Slightly tart, salty, watery, a little musty, bitter and somewhat sweet. Ok, now swallow! Mmmm Mmmm good!
So what I have just described above is the experience of oral sex. You don’t really know what you’re getting, and you just have to assume that it’s palatable. Hey, if it looks good, eat it(no pun intended). It’s like going out to a restaurant and ordering off the menu and when it comes to you, the plating is nice, it smells mouth-watering, and the taste is heaven. Only difference is, you won’t get a std from eating actual food. Ejaculate fluids in semen contain fructose sugars, proteins, a little urea(pee), minerals, water and happy little foot soldiers called spermatozoa that impregnate you. No, you will not get pregnant if you swallow semen. It’s usually a translucent white or greyish color and kinda sticky. It should not be green, yellow, or pink because that mean there’s either an intruder such as a std or blood in the semen. So if you eat foods such as pineapple or that piece of chicken, will it alter the taste? Sure it will, but with simple diet changes to make it sweeter:
No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs and cut the meat consumption. Add fresh fruits and vegetables to your diet and foods with cinnamon, peppermint, lemon and foods high in chlorophyll will enhance semen sweetness.
Vaginal juices on the other hand have a ph of around 3.8-4.5 and are slightly more acidic than semen due to the good bacteria. The color should be clear to white and sticky not curdled and chunky. Again, if you start to see rainbow down there, it’s probably best for you to head to the doc. And it should NOT smell fishy, foul or clear out the room. I’m sure we’ve all heard this complaint before, but the real culprits of this come from either an infection such as bacterial vaginosis and yeast, poor hygiene, sweat, STDs, and funky urine. The taste can range anywhere between bland, salty, acidic and like rice milk. So how much discharge is ok? If you are using birth control such as the pill or IUD, expect to see more discharge than usual. Diet changes such as noted above will be able to alter the taste and smell of your vagina. Also, not wearing tight clothing, not douching, and using unscented gentle soaps will keep infections away.
So if you’re going to eat downtown(pun intended) or about to devour a 9 inch uncircumcised sausage, then why not try something new that you can eat in front of people like offal, foie gras, and panna cotta. Really ask yourself if you’re willing to fellate some dude you just met a few months ago and haven’t asked him about his sexual past or history, what’s wrong with trying a little kim chee. Because all it is fermented food that’s been sitting around creating good bacteria and it’s actually good for you. “Need a rimshot*, hey, doogie doogie?” Why not try eating some chittlin’s. They both taste like shit if not cleaned properly. Open yourself to other cultures and flavors. There are thousands to choose from and it really makes no sense to confine yourself to one thing. It’s absolutely OK to partake in human sexual secretions, as long as the person is clean and STD free(VD for you old schoolers). I personally don’t think that it’s something that you should do with any and everyone because you’re setting yourself up to catch disease and treading into the hoe category.
*Rimshot-Excerpted from Erykah Badu’s Rimshot record. It’s a slang term for analingus**
**Analingus – the act of oral sex using one’s tongue to lick around the anal region and anus(asshole)
Don’t end up with this. Be adventurous and be safe.Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 6 so far )
It’s slim pickens out there folks. I understand this. We all have issues and we are all not perfect. There are a variety of reasons why relationships end, why women are single, where are the good men blah blah blah, but no one has really much to say about the infamous jumpoff. Yes, I’m talking about side chicks, side pieces, baby girls, and boo boo’s. Here’s the scenario: you meet a guy, you two hit it off, he tells you that he’s married or got a gf but the ‘situation’ at home ain’t right and you pursue anyway. He seems like a great guy, and any girl would be lucky to be with him, so what’s her problem? This post is broken down into 2 parts and the second half will be updated next week. Yes, you are considered a jump-off/side chick, someone to have on the side in case the situation at home doesn’t get any better. I still believe that there are plenty of good men out there, but why go for the taken ones? I have 2 theories to this. 1. It’s all in good fun and you don’t have to assume the role of the wife/gf. And I’m just using wife as an example, but you don’t have to worry about keeping tabs on him. You both get what you want out of it and keep it moving. Or 2. Because you want what you wish you had. This reason comes from our own selfish nature of coveting they neighbors’ belongings. He has a good job, owns his home, takes care of his wife and kids, and you look at your own situation and wondering how the hell she got lucky. Remember that Chris Rock bit in Never Scared where he says that guys want someone LIKE their friends’ girl but women WANT their friend’s man? So true. But if you happen to find yourself in this position, here are a few guidelines:
1. Play your position
Most things in life are given a role. Men and women have gender roles. Actors play a role on tv and in movies. Side chicks are given a role too. You are in the #2 spot(or 3 or 4 depending on how deep his creeping goes) Your job is to perform the duties his wife refuses to do and send him on his way home. See, your job is to perform oral sex on him, stroke his ego, tell him that he’s special and relieve the stress and tension and send him back home to his wife. Got it? You get want you want, she gets what she wants, and he gets what he wants. Everyone benefits 🙂
2. Standards? Who needs those?
Sorry, but you don’t get to put on your moral superiority hat on this one. Both of you are in the wrong, but what’s with this lame excuse about how she needs to step her game up? About how she fell off? Is that looks wise? Didn’t he step out on her? Everyone falls off at some point. Could be because of the kids, could be work, could be anything that has your attention to the point that you forget to put on some extra makeup or get that hair done, or cook, or have sex regularly. To use a sports metaphor, she could be having a bad season. Don’t mean that the team overall sucks, just mean that her offense needs to be stronger and forced out of the box. Makes sense? Or how about this, if you allow a relationship to start off with both of you doing wrong, and you putting yourself in a position to be THAT female, just imagine what the rest of the relationship will be like out in the open. If you settle for less, you get less.
3. Use protection
I don’t care how bad he tells you about the sex or how long he hasn’t been with his wife, he’s still sleeping with her. If he goes home to his house and she still lives with him, he is still sleeping with her. To a degree. But nonetheless, wear protection. I know that you think that you got that oooooh weeeee! and part of the main reason why he’s with you is because that stuf is oooooh weeeee!!!! Think about it, why would you want anything his wife might be carrying? And what does that say about you to sleep with someone knowing that he is also sleeping with someone else? These days, STD’s are going around like the flu and anybody is susceptible to that shit. He’s doesn’t have to wear a condom with his wife but you? Yeah, wrap it up please
4. Don’t get caught up
This should be rule #1 or at least an extension of it. Because it always starts out as having a little fun on the side, then we as women get our feelings caught up in the mix and next thing you know, you calling his wife giving her the business about you and him. Know the reason why you got in this business in the first place. He could tell you all about the stars and the moon when it comes to the two of ya’ll, but if his actions tell you something different, then it’s time to reassess the situation. If your feelings are getting stronger for him, let him know what’s up up front and don’t settle for anything less. You can’t be catching feelings when he takes his wife out to Maggiano’s and Occidental Grill and all you get is Red Lobster and Olive Garden. Because that means that you’re acting like a gf, when you should be on you knees performing rule #1.
5. Know that you are a side chick
If he wants to leave his wife, gf, or whoever for you, he would have already. WTH likes to be #2 anyway? I don’t care how ugly or bad you think she is, the fact is, there’s something that she has that you don’t that you envy and want from her. That’s called status. There’s wifey, wife, babymomma, girlfriend and friend. So what she may have fallen off just a bit, It’s life, we all do it. The Lakers can’t be #1 all the damn time. Sometimes, McDonald’s’ have shitty sales. Wifey just got lazy. And sometimes in relationships, we all have dull periods. It does not have to be related to looks. Could be other forces such as neglect, maturity, fallen out of love or whatever. But everytime you and her man go out together if that ever happens, and he only introduces you as his friend, he doesn’t want you around his kids, and you can only call and/or see him during certain times of the day, it means that you’ve simply given him all of the power in that relationship and you looking like boo boo the fool hoping that he someday leaves his wife. Is it really worth the stress?
Empowering yourself is all about knowing who you are and what it is that you want. I’m all for compromise in relationships, hell it’s part of the engine that keeps a relationship running, but not at the expense of your dignity and respect. I believe that good men are out there and are waiting for you, but you’re passing them over for those who turn out to be shitty anyway. Jumpoffs are kinda like novelties. They are the new booty, until they become old booty and the cycle continues…Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 4 so far )
Yes, I am going there. After all, this is a blog about living better and what a way to do that than to talk about sex. Some of the pictures are graphic so if you’re at work or are extremely sensitive to certain depictions of art, I’d highly advise to read this at another time or close your eyes at the pictures. I could go on about statistics about what men like in bed and what women prefer, but I’ll save that for another blog. For now, I want to get it in, Kama Sutra Style.
So what exactly is Kama Sutra? It’s not something Trey Songz made up nor Steve Harvey. Many people know it as a certain style of lovemaking in which one would perform in different positions for the ultimate pleasure. Kama Sutra, Aphorisms on Love is an ancient Indian Hindi text originally written by Nanikishva in 1000 parts and reproduced in abbreviated form by Shvetaketu of Udalalaka. It was again reproduced in abridged form by Babhravya and finally,Vatsyayana. It is considered the basic standard of sexual behavior in Sanskrit literature. It gives advice on sexual intercourse, positions, and sexual etiquette. Kama means sensual or sexual pleasure and sutra literally means a line that hold things together. It is the oldest and most notable group of text aka Kama Shastra that was collected in 2nd century CE. It has over 1250 verses, 36 chapters and organized in 7 parts including:
1. Sadharana -These are general principles that lay the foundation of sexual intimacy
2. Samprayogika – This talks about love-play and the sexual union
3. Kanya Samprayuktaka – This section focuses on dating and marriage
4. Bharyadhikarika – This is the role and expectations of the wife
5. Paradarika – This is about seducing the wives of others
6. Vaishika – This talks about the prostitute or in other words, keeping an eye out for hoes, stunts, and skeezers
7. Aupanishadika – Your Sexual Power including practices of oral sex, sexual rituals, and other freeky shyt.
Each part of book was written by different authors and difficult to master because of the length. Therefore, each book was incomplete as a comprehensive work. To solve this Vatsyayana composed and updated the work in a small volume of an entire work of authors. In Hindu tradition, sexuality is elevated into a highly spiritual and sacred plane. It serves to deepen the bond between people of all ages and traditions. It was intended mostly for men and written from a male POV but women have studied it and applied it to their bedroom knowledge. For women, part of it is learned from other women such as a nurse, a close married friend or a servant who can always be trusted, also known as the 64 arts. I guess they too didn’t want to be labeled a freek back then. But in addition to Kama Shastra, the arts also included many female bonding sessions through singing, writing, adorning the forehead, and fashion.
In Book 1 of the Kama Sutra, it details how a mans’ crib should be kept, his cleanliness, and his social activities. His spot should be fragrant with sweet-smelling flowers about and pictures of his family in his bedroom. His teeth should be clean, he should bathe daily and wear some fresh smelling cologne everyday especially when he goes out. His clothes should always be clean and he should always be presentable to his female cohorts. Hmmm, maybe this Vats guy and the others were way ahead of their time. His social activities should include chillin’ with his friends, engage in drinking parties, or just chatting it up with some female friends. Kama practiced by men of the caste(or class) system, especially with virgins of their own castes was considered lawful. Even dealing with women of a lower caste was cool, but the Kama Shastra makes it a point for men not to deal with prostitutes and the unchaste, better known as sluts. They even advise against crazy chicks, chicks with an attitude problem, blabbermouths, d%@k teasers, old ladies and those who are dirty.
In Book 2, it says that men with intense passion are full of desire and this will reflect in the sex. A woman’s satisfaction is based on the amount of passion that a man is willing to give, level of compatibility, and how long he takes to fulfill the deed. The latter is debatable because some say that the act itself gives a women enough pleasure to be satisfied or if it takes a long time to reach the height of pleasure, then she is dissatisfied either way. Therefore, women can’t explain what kind of pleasure they feel. I say they were right the first time. Vatsyayana believed that men and women have different reactions when it come to sex since they are engaged in the same activity. He believed that men are actors and are playing a role and that the women are the acted upon, or the mans’ audience. Men want women to reach orgasm first or at the same time as women. He must first arouse a woman during foreplay and during intimacy so that she can finally reach her climax-resulting in satisfaction.
This is where it gets a little kinky. Digging your nails in someones’ back can either be a turn-on or a turn-off. Yet in the Kama Sutra, digging your nails in someone is a sign of intense lovemaking. So is biting. And ass smacking and punching. Hitting gives rise to moaning sounds during sex. The excitement and passion of sex can cause a person to act contrary to their nature. Like turning out a wholesome church girl. The section on oral sex is a little too graphic to discuss here so I won’t go into too much detail. Back then, men had other men perform oral sex on them with their consent. Women, with the exception of hoes, skeezers and stunts and servants, were permitted from performing this act and married women were banned from it. Vatsyayana recognized that and said that anything connected with love the person should act upon it. Women practiced on each other such as on servants and close friends. They also took in their, ahem..juices. Positions included the splitting of the bamboo where the woman places one of her legs on her lovers’ shoulder and stretches the other out. Or when a man enjoys many women together including himself, it is called the congress of a herd of cows….or an orgy.
In book 3, marriages were arranged with the permission of the parents. Those who were unworthy were those who were already engaged to someone else, had physical disabilities, a weird sounding name, slutty, or airheads. A few days after marriage, the male begins to win her over and inspire confidence in their marriage by taking things slow with her and on her terms. Married couples should show affection to each other and give her other the attention they deserve. If a husband has fallen from his social position and has resorted to gambling, not coming home all the time, hanging out with his boys, or hanging out at a bar or club, then he does not deserve to be married. Ok in the kama sutra it says parties and drinks with his male friends, but hey, it’s the same thing right?
In book 4, the role of the wife , the wife should treat her husband like the top dawg, big daddy, king of the castle that he is. She is to care for the family and keep a clean household. The wife should avoid the company of bitter women, mendicants or broke ass chicks, sluts, and fortune tellers. The wife is to be supportive of her man and to be by his side. In the book, it makes it seem like the wife is to be subservient which I have a problem with that, but nonetheless, she is to stand by her man. She therefore acquires a higher position and keeps the husbands devoted to them. She is to welcome her husbands friends in their house with flowers and snacks and treat her in-laws with the utmost respect they deserve. It then goes on about the role of the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wife, but..really?
“A husband who is obedient but master of himself, even though poor and not good-looking, is better than one who is common to many women, even though his is handsome”.
Book 5 gets into how the game is played. Scribes say that men can tell when a woman has fallen for them just by her intensity of her passions, her body, and her purity. But Vatsyayana’s take is that women should be judged by their conduct, their expression of their thoughts, and by body language. They say that women reject men because of their affection for their husbands, lack of opportunity, different social status, not trustworthy, and lack of compassion among others. Any of these obstacles perceived by men should be removed immediately. He should become successful and more loving, and make himself available for his woman. He should present gifts and should only seduce one woman at a time. If he is trying to win her over, then he should examine where he head is at and pay attention to her behavior. Sometimes, help from a 3rd party helps. A woman who approaches a man with an attitude, or if he feels like he needs to check her, then it’s on to the next one. All one needs is an opportunity.
Books 6 and 7 go into living as a wife and sexual lore. For sexual lore, they just talk about different rituals such as bathing in milk and massaging yourself in essential oils and herbs for aphrodisiacs and to set the mood. Some of that stuf is for another topic.
Whew, that was long, but I just gave my shortened, abridged version of the Kama Sutra. I feel like I’ve learned a lot from researching some of this material, but I hope you all have learned a lot too. I am not afraid to tackle issues dealing with sexuality and intimacy, but I will not let these topics travel to raunchy territory.
UPDATE: I just want to give my personal thoughts on this ancient tradtion. It seems to me that Kama Sutra is to be equated with love and that the two are interchangeable. Maybe that would be another topic of discussion about why I think sex does not equal love. People have been practicing and performing Kama Sutra for ages and may not even realize it. It is the original Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and provides a insight on dating, marriage, sex, and overall satisfaction.
From The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra edited by Lance DaneRead Full Post | Make a Comment ( 3 so far )