How Nasty Are You?: Sex and Food Edition

Posted on February 22, 2011. Filed under: For foodies, Love and Sex | Tags: , , , , , |

It really irks me when people, especially black people, are picky as hell about their food, but they will go downtown on just about any(one)thing. I was speaking to someone the other day about how I would love to be on that show Bizarre Foods because it’s just looks like something up my alley and he told me that she couldn’t eat that stuf(understandable) but then went on to say how he only eats foods he recognizes. So I asked what he meant by that and threw out some examples to him and he goes, “Goat Cheese??? Hell damn no. Medium rare filet mignon?? My meat better be well done or else I’m taking it back. Christine, Why you like that bougie food anyway?” His ignorance was astounding. But nonetheless not surprising.

So is goat cheese, brie and sushi considered bougie? Only rich people eat that stuf? I must have missed that. But anyway, I wanted to ask him has he ever performed oral sex on anyone, but I’ll assume the answer is yes. And I’m pretty sure that there are other’s like him that don’t mind going down under to the briny deep. Appearance? Hey they all look the same(ok, most). Besides, that’s just a mole at the tip. Smell? slightly fishy, but he’ll do it just once since she did it on him first. She might be having a bad day. Or, if she’s going on him, he doused it with cologne and now you’re smelling like Black Polo. Taste? Slightly tart, salty, watery, a little musty, bitter and somewhat sweet. Ok, now swallow! Mmmm Mmmm good!

So what I have just described above is the experience of oral sex. You don’t really know what you’re getting,  and you just have to assume that it’s palatable. Hey, if it looks good, eat it(no pun intended). It’s like going out to a restaurant and ordering off the menu and when it comes to you, the plating is nice, it smells mouth-watering, and the taste is heaven. Only difference is, you won’t get a std from eating actual food. Ejaculate fluids in semen contain fructose sugars, proteins, a little urea(pee), minerals, water and happy little foot soldiers called spermatozoa that impregnate you. No, you will not get pregnant if you swallow semen. It’s usually a translucent white or greyish color and kinda sticky. It should not be green, yellow, or pink because that mean there’s either an intruder such as a std or blood in the semen. So if you eat foods such as pineapple or that piece of chicken, will it alter the taste? Sure it will, but with simple diet changes to make it sweeter:

No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs and cut the meat consumption. Add fresh fruits and vegetables to your diet and foods with cinnamon, peppermint, lemon and foods high in chlorophyll will enhance semen sweetness.

Vaginal juices on the other hand have a ph of around 3.8-4.5 and are slightly more acidic than semen due to the good bacteria. The  color should be clear to white and sticky not curdled and chunky. Again, if you start to see rainbow down there, it’s probably best for you to head to the doc. And it should NOT smell fishy, foul or clear out the room. I’m sure we’ve all heard this complaint before, but the real culprits of this come from either an infection such as bacterial vaginosis and yeast, poor hygiene, sweat, STDs, and funky urine. The taste can range anywhere between bland, salty, acidic and like rice milk. So how much discharge is ok? If you are using birth control such as the pill or IUD, expect to see more discharge than usual. Diet changes such as noted above will be able to alter the taste and smell of your vagina. Also, not wearing tight clothing, not douching, and using unscented gentle soaps will keep infections away.

So if  you’re going to eat downtown(pun intended) or about to devour a 9 inch uncircumcised sausage, then why not try something new that you can eat in front of people like offal, foie gras, and panna cotta. Really ask yourself if you’re willing to fellate some dude you just met a few months ago and haven’t asked him about his sexual past or history, what’s wrong with trying a little kim chee. Because all it is fermented food that’s been sitting around creating good bacteria and it’s actually good for you. “Need a rimshot*, hey, doogie doogie?” Why not try eating some chittlin’s. They both taste like shit if not cleaned properly. Open yourself to other cultures and flavors. There are thousands to choose from and it really makes no sense to confine yourself to one thing. It’s absolutely OK to partake in human sexual secretions, as long as the person is clean and STD free(VD for you old schoolers). I personally don’t think that it’s something that you should do with any and everyone because you’re setting yourself up to catch disease and treading into the hoe category.

*Rimshot-Excerpted from Erykah Badu’s Rimshot record. It’s a slang term for analingus**

**Analingus – the act of oral sex using one’s tongue to lick around the anal region and anus(asshole)

 Don’t end up with this. Be adventurous and be safe.

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