How Nasty Are You?: Sex and Food Edition

Posted on February 22, 2011. Filed under: For foodies, Love and Sex | Tags: , , , , , |

It really irks me when people, especially black people, are picky as hell about their food, but they will go downtown on just about any(one)thing. I was speaking to someone the other day about how I would love to be on that show Bizarre Foods because it’s just looks like something up my alley and he told me that she couldn’t eat that stuf(understandable) but then went on to say how he only eats foods he recognizes. So I asked what he meant by that and threw out some examples to him and he goes, “Goat Cheese??? Hell damn no. Medium rare filet mignon?? My meat better be well done or else I’m taking it back. Christine, Why you like that bougie food anyway?” His ignorance was astounding. But nonetheless not surprising.

So is goat cheese, brie and sushi considered bougie? Only rich people eat that stuf? I must have missed that. But anyway, I wanted to ask him has he ever performed oral sex on anyone, but I’ll assume the answer is yes. And I’m pretty sure that there are other’s like him that don’t mind going down under to the briny deep. Appearance? Hey they all look the same(ok, most). Besides, that’s just a mole at the tip. Smell? slightly fishy, but he’ll do it just once since she did it on him first. She might be having a bad day. Or, if she’s going on him, he doused it with cologne and now you’re smelling like Black Polo. Taste? Slightly tart, salty, watery, a little musty, bitter and somewhat sweet. Ok, now swallow! Mmmm Mmmm good!

So what I have just described above is the experience of oral sex. You don’t really know what you’re getting,  and you just have to assume that it’s palatable. Hey, if it looks good, eat it(no pun intended). It’s like going out to a restaurant and ordering off the menu and when it comes to you, the plating is nice, it smells mouth-watering, and the taste is heaven. Only difference is, you won’t get a std from eating actual food. Ejaculate fluids in semen contain fructose sugars, proteins, a little urea(pee), minerals, water and happy little foot soldiers called spermatozoa that impregnate you. No, you will not get pregnant if you swallow semen. It’s usually a translucent white or greyish color and kinda sticky. It should not be green, yellow, or pink because that mean there’s either an intruder such as a std or blood in the semen. So if you eat foods such as pineapple or that piece of chicken, will it alter the taste? Sure it will, but with simple diet changes to make it sweeter:

No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs and cut the meat consumption. Add fresh fruits and vegetables to your diet and foods with cinnamon, peppermint, lemon and foods high in chlorophyll will enhance semen sweetness.

Vaginal juices on the other hand have a ph of around 3.8-4.5 and are slightly more acidic than semen due to the good bacteria. The  color should be clear to white and sticky not curdled and chunky. Again, if you start to see rainbow down there, it’s probably best for you to head to the doc. And it should NOT smell fishy, foul or clear out the room. I’m sure we’ve all heard this complaint before, but the real culprits of this come from either an infection such as bacterial vaginosis and yeast, poor hygiene, sweat, STDs, and funky urine. The taste can range anywhere between bland, salty, acidic and like rice milk. So how much discharge is ok? If you are using birth control such as the pill or IUD, expect to see more discharge than usual. Diet changes such as noted above will be able to alter the taste and smell of your vagina. Also, not wearing tight clothing, not douching, and using unscented gentle soaps will keep infections away.

So if  you’re going to eat downtown(pun intended) or about to devour a 9 inch uncircumcised sausage, then why not try something new that you can eat in front of people like offal, foie gras, and panna cotta. Really ask yourself if you’re willing to fellate some dude you just met a few months ago and haven’t asked him about his sexual past or history, what’s wrong with trying a little kim chee. Because all it is fermented food that’s been sitting around creating good bacteria and it’s actually good for you. “Need a rimshot*, hey, doogie doogie?” Why not try eating some chittlin’s. They both taste like shit if not cleaned properly. Open yourself to other cultures and flavors. There are thousands to choose from and it really makes no sense to confine yourself to one thing. It’s absolutely OK to partake in human sexual secretions, as long as the person is clean and STD free(VD for you old schoolers). I personally don’t think that it’s something that you should do with any and everyone because you’re setting yourself up to catch disease and treading into the hoe category.

*Rimshot-Excerpted from Erykah Badu’s Rimshot record. It’s a slang term for analingus**

**Analingus – the act of oral sex using one’s tongue to lick around the anal region and anus(asshole)

 Don’t end up with this. Be adventurous and be safe.

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Love of food

Posted on September 29, 2010. Filed under: For foodies | Tags: , , |

One thing I love besides sex, sleep and family is food. I finally came out of the closet to reveal myself as a foodie(as if it was a bad thing to be a foodie?) and I love to try different foods. My favorite is Asian foods such as Vietnamese, Japanese, Chinese, and Thai. Nothing against western flavors, but these cuisines are always bold in flavor and offer something different for the palate. And of course, I like to eat vegan and vegetarian foods as well. I’m still growing to like raw food although it’s mostly fruit, veggies, nuts and seeds you’re eating. Unfortunately, I could never bring myself to be a veg, mostly due to my love/hate relationship with meat, and my undying love of fried chicken. But I do try to eat less of it and so far, that battle is 50/50.

But sugar and carbs on the other hand are wearing me down. I am like a crack addict when it comes so sugar, so much that some of my products are inspired by sweet creations. When I don’t get my fix, I start tweaking and getting all jittery until I am able to satisfy my urges. Sometimes I break off my relationship with Mr. Sugar Daddy thinking that this is the last time, and I’m not fucking with him no more because of what I become(fat, overweight, obese, diabetic) when I’m with him, but he just makes me feel sooooo good and I just gotta have one bite, maybe a little indulgence. See? Wash, rinse, repeat. Carbs are needed to fuel the body with energy but too much can make u sluggish. And that damn sugar likes to hide in carbs like simple carbohydrates including but not limited to bread, pastries, and cookies.

I bring up this up because I have noted before in my other blog about attitudes about food in the African-American community( ) Why is it that we are afraid to try new things and only stick to what is recognizable and comfortable? And I hate to say this, but lets keep it real, most of the food that we eat is not only not good for us, it’s just not that good. Shit swimming in grease, fried, or soaked in butter piled atop of more shit soaked in grease not only does not look too appealing, but it’s a heart attack waiting to happen. Is that shit supposed to be comfort food? Is that really down-home cooking? Becuase every time I’ve taken a bite of a that stuf, I get this painful, heavy sensation in my gut, like it’s telling me,”really Christine? This shit again? Did u not get the memo the last time u were on the toilet? or in the hospital a few years back cuz u couldn’t shit? smdh…” yeah, really not that comforting. Ok, I do admit that I do engage in a burger once in a while and I was one of those people excited about  Sonic coming to the neighborhood. But I know as well as u know of at least one person that eats like this everyday. Yet they wonder why they must pay more insurance, have low sex drive, are always tired, and complain about that weird feeling in their chest and gut.

Natural and organic food is boring, lacking in flavor, looks unappealing and lacking in flavor. I meant to put lacking in flavor twice. Not all of it is, but that’s the criticism you’d most likely hear. And that it’s too expensive. I don’t come from a lot of money myself, but at least every other payday, I try to venture to Whole(paycheck) Foods, MOMs, or Trader Joes to indulge in something healthier for my family.  I also attend farmer’s markets around the area for fresh produce and try some of the local flavors of homemade jellies and cookies(organic of course). There’s no excuse. Preparing your own food has it’s good and bad because at least you know what you’re putting in your food, but at the same time, don’t know how many calories you’re consuming and let’s face it, who weighs their food these days to note porti0n control? With all the hoopla about African Americans and our health issues, it seems to me that not only are we getting fatter and lazier, but we’re becoming ignorant about food in general while only sticking to what is familiar to us and what feels good. If you ask us if we ever had goat cheese, brie or kim chee, we’d probably tell you hell naw, or make that I’m not eating anything that smells weird face. Hell, I still get funny looks from folks when I cut into my medium rare steak at Ruby Tuesdays. We can be adventurous with sex, but not with food, hmmmm…….

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