How Nasty Are You?: Sex and Food Edition

Posted on February 22, 2011. Filed under: For foodies, Love and Sex | Tags: , , , , , |

It really irks me when people, especially black people, are picky as hell about their food, but they will go downtown on just about any(one)thing. I was speaking to someone the other day about how I would love to be on that show Bizarre Foods because it’s just looks like something up my alley and he told me that she couldn’t eat that stuf(understandable) but then went on to say how he only eats foods he recognizes. So I asked what he meant by that and threw out some examples to him and he goes, “Goat Cheese??? Hell damn no. Medium rare filet mignon?? My meat better be well done or else I’m taking it back. Christine, Why you like that bougie food anyway?” His ignorance was astounding. But nonetheless not surprising.

So is goat cheese, brie and sushi considered bougie? Only rich people eat that stuf? I must have missed that. But anyway, I wanted to ask him has he ever performed oral sex on anyone, but I’ll assume the answer is yes. And I’m pretty sure that there are other’s like him that don’t mind going down under to the briny deep. Appearance? Hey they all look the same(ok, most). Besides, that’s just a mole at the tip. Smell? slightly fishy, but he’ll do it just once since she did it on him first. She might be having a bad day. Or, if she’s going on him, he doused it with cologne and now you’re smelling like Black Polo. Taste? Slightly tart, salty, watery, a little musty, bitter and somewhat sweet. Ok, now swallow! Mmmm Mmmm good!

So what I have just described above is the experience of oral sex. You don’t really know what you’re getting,  and you just have to assume that it’s palatable. Hey, if it looks good, eat it(no pun intended). It’s like going out to a restaurant and ordering off the menu and when it comes to you, the plating is nice, it smells mouth-watering, and the taste is heaven. Only difference is, you won’t get a std from eating actual food. Ejaculate fluids in semen contain fructose sugars, proteins, a little urea(pee), minerals, water and happy little foot soldiers called spermatozoa that impregnate you. No, you will not get pregnant if you swallow semen. It’s usually a translucent white or greyish color and kinda sticky. It should not be green, yellow, or pink because that mean there’s either an intruder such as a std or blood in the semen. So if you eat foods such as pineapple or that piece of chicken, will it alter the taste? Sure it will, but with simple diet changes to make it sweeter:

No smoking, no alcohol, no drugs and cut the meat consumption. Add fresh fruits and vegetables to your diet and foods with cinnamon, peppermint, lemon and foods high in chlorophyll will enhance semen sweetness.

Vaginal juices on the other hand have a ph of around 3.8-4.5 and are slightly more acidic than semen due to the good bacteria. The  color should be clear to white and sticky not curdled and chunky. Again, if you start to see rainbow down there, it’s probably best for you to head to the doc. And it should NOT smell fishy, foul or clear out the room. I’m sure we’ve all heard this complaint before, but the real culprits of this come from either an infection such as bacterial vaginosis and yeast, poor hygiene, sweat, STDs, and funky urine. The taste can range anywhere between bland, salty, acidic and like rice milk. So how much discharge is ok? If you are using birth control such as the pill or IUD, expect to see more discharge than usual. Diet changes such as noted above will be able to alter the taste and smell of your vagina. Also, not wearing tight clothing, not douching, and using unscented gentle soaps will keep infections away.

So if  you’re going to eat downtown(pun intended) or about to devour a 9 inch uncircumcised sausage, then why not try something new that you can eat in front of people like offal, foie gras, and panna cotta. Really ask yourself if you’re willing to fellate some dude you just met a few months ago and haven’t asked him about his sexual past or history, what’s wrong with trying a little kim chee. Because all it is fermented food that’s been sitting around creating good bacteria and it’s actually good for you. “Need a rimshot*, hey, doogie doogie?” Why not try eating some chittlin’s. They both taste like shit if not cleaned properly. Open yourself to other cultures and flavors. There are thousands to choose from and it really makes no sense to confine yourself to one thing. It’s absolutely OK to partake in human sexual secretions, as long as the person is clean and STD free(VD for you old schoolers). I personally don’t think that it’s something that you should do with any and everyone because you’re setting yourself up to catch disease and treading into the hoe category.

*Rimshot-Excerpted from Erykah Badu’s Rimshot record. It’s a slang term for analingus**

**Analingus – the act of oral sex using one’s tongue to lick around the anal region and anus(asshole)

 Don’t end up with this. Be adventurous and be safe.

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Sex, Kama Sutra Style…

Posted on January 21, 2011. Filed under: Love and Sex | Tags: , , , , |

                                                                                             Erotic Art Statues

Yes, I am going there. After all, this is a blog about living better and what a way to do that than to talk about sex. Some of the pictures are graphic so if you’re at work or are extremely sensitive to certain depictions of art, I’d highly advise to read this at another time or close your eyes at the pictures. I could go on about statistics about what men like in bed and what women prefer, but I’ll save that for another blog. For now, I want to get it in, Kama Sutra Style.

Two Men with One Woman     So what exactly is Kama Sutra? It’s not something Trey Songz made up nor Steve Harvey. Many people know it as a certain style of lovemaking in which one would perform in different positions for the ultimate pleasure. Kama Sutra, Aphorisms on Love is an ancient Indian Hindi text originally written by Nanikishva in 1000 parts and reproduced in abbreviated form by Shvetaketu of Udalalaka. It was again reproduced in abridged form by Babhravya and finally,Vatsyayana. It is considered the basic standard of sexual behavior in Sanskrit literature. It gives advice on sexual intercourse, positions, and sexual etiquette. Kama means sensual or sexual pleasure and sutra literally means a line that hold things together. It is the oldest and most notable group of text aka Kama Shastra that was collected in 2nd century CE. It has over 1250 verses, 36 chapters and organized in 7 parts including:

1. Sadharana -These are general principles that lay the foundation of sexual intimacy

2. Samprayogika – This talks about love-play and the sexual union

3. Kanya Samprayuktaka – This section focuses on dating and marriage

4. Bharyadhikarika – This is the role and expectations of the wife

5. Paradarika – This is about seducing the wives of others

6. Vaishika – This talks about the prostitute or in other words, keeping an eye out for hoes, stunts, and skeezers

7. Aupanishadika – Your Sexual Power including practices of oral sex, sexual rituals, and other freeky shyt.

Passionate Man and Woman Each part of book was written by different authors and difficult to master because of the length. Therefore, each book was incomplete as a comprehensive work. To solve this Vatsyayana composed and updated the work in a small volume of an entire work of authors. In Hindu tradition, sexuality is elevated into a highly spiritual and sacred plane. It serves to deepen the bond between people of all ages and traditions. It was intended mostly for men and written from a male POV but women have studied it and applied it to their bedroom knowledge. For women, part of  it is learned from other women such as a nurse, a close married friend or a servant who can always be trusted, also known as the 64 arts. I guess they too didn’t want to be labeled a freek back then. But in addition to Kama Shastra, the arts also included many female bonding sessions through singing, writing, adorning the forehead, and fashion.

     In Book 1 of the Kama Sutra, it details how a mans’ crib should be kept, his cleanliness, and his social activities. His spot should be fragrant with sweet-smelling flowers about and pictures of his family in his bedroom. His teeth should be clean, he should bathe daily and wear some fresh smelling cologne everyday especially when he goes out. His clothes should always be clean and he should always be presentable to his female cohorts. Hmmm, maybe this Vats guy and the others were way ahead of their time. His social activities should include chillin’ with his friends, engage in drinking parties, or just chatting it up with some female friends. Kama practiced by men of the caste(or class) system, especially with virgins of their own castes was considered lawful. Even dealing with women of a lower caste  was cool, but the Kama Shastra makes it a point for men not to deal with prostitutes and the unchaste, better known as sluts. They even advise against crazy chicks, chicks with an attitude problem, blabbermouths, d%@k teasers, old ladies and those who are dirty.

    In Book 2, it says that men with intense passion are full of desire and this will reflect in the sex. A woman’s satisfaction is based on the amount of passion that a man is willing to give, level of compatibility, and how long he takes to fulfill the deed. The latter is debatable because some say that the act itself gives a women enough pleasure to be satisfied or if it takes a long time to reach the height of pleasure, then she is dissatisfied either way. Therefore, women can’t explain what kind of pleasure they feel. I say they were right the first time. Vatsyayana believed that men and women have different reactions when it come to sex since they are engaged in the same activity. He believed that men are actors and are playing a role and that the women are the acted upon, or the mans’ audience. Men want women to reach orgasm first or at the same time as women. He must first arouse a woman during foreplay and during intimacy so that she can finally reach her climax-resulting in satisfaction.

                                                                                               Congress of a Herd of Cows - Orgy of Many Women

     This is where it gets a little kinky. Digging your nails in someones’ back can either be a turn-on or a turn-off. Yet in the Kama Sutra, digging your nails in someone is a sign of intense lovemaking. So is biting. And ass smacking and punching. Hitting gives rise to moaning sounds during sex. The excitement and passion of sex can cause a person to act contrary to their nature. Like turning out a wholesome church girl. The section on oral sex is a little too graphic to discuss here so I won’t go into too much detail. Back then, men had other men perform oral sex on them with their consent. Women, with the exception of hoes, skeezers and stunts and servants, were permitted from performing this act and married women were banned from it. Vatsyayana recognized that and said that anything connected with love the person should act upon it. Women practiced on each other such as on servants and close friends. They also took in their, ahem..juices. Positions included the splitting of the bamboo where the woman places one of her legs on her lovers’ shoulder and stretches the other out. Or when a man enjoys many women together including himself, it is called the congress of a herd of cows….or an orgy.

In book 3, marriages were arranged with the permission of the parents. Those who were unworthy were those who were already engaged to someone else, had physical disabilities, a weird sounding name, slutty, or airheads. A few days after marriage, the male begins to win her over and inspire confidence in their marriage by taking things slow with her and on her terms. Married couples should show affection to each other and give her other the attention they deserve. If a husband has fallen from his social position and has resorted to gambling, not coming home all the time, hanging out with his boys, or hanging out at a bar or club, then he does not deserve to be married. Ok in the kama sutra it says parties and drinks with his male friends, but hey, it’s the same thing right?

In book 4, the role of the wife , the wife should treat her husband like the top dawg, big daddy, king of the castle that he is. She is to care for the family and keep a clean household. The wife should avoid the company of bitter women, mendicants or broke ass chicks, sluts, and fortune tellers. The wife is to be supportive of her man and to be by his side. In the book, it makes it seem like the wife is to be subservient which I have a problem with that, but nonetheless, she is to stand by her man. She therefore acquires a higher position and keeps the husbands devoted to them. She is to welcome her husbands friends in their house with flowers and snacks and treat her in-laws with the utmost respect they deserve. It then goes on about the role of the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th wife, but..really?

   “A husband who is obedient but master of himself, even though poor and not good-looking, is better than one who is common to many women, even though his is handsome”.

     Book 5 gets into how the game is played. Scribes say that men can tell when a woman has fallen for them just by her intensity of her passions, her body, and her purity. But Vatsyayana’s take is that women should be judged by their conduct, their expression of their thoughts, and by body language. They say that women reject men because of their affection for their husbands, lack of opportunity, different social status, not trustworthy, and lack of compassion among others. Any of these obstacles perceived by men should be removed immediately. He should become successful and more loving, and make himself available for his woman. He should present gifts and should only seduce one woman at a time. If he is trying to win her over, then he should examine where he head is at and pay attention to her behavior. Sometimes, help from a 3rd party helps.  A woman who approaches a man with an attitude, or if he feels like he needs to check her, then it’s on to the next one. All one needs is an opportunity.

Books 6 and 7 go into living as a wife and sexual lore. For sexual lore, they just talk about different rituals such as bathing in milk and massaging yourself in essential oils and herbs for aphrodisiacs and to set the mood. Some of that stuf is for another topic.

Whew, that was long, but I just gave my shortened, abridged version of the Kama Sutra. I feel like I’ve learned  a lot from researching some of this material, but I hope you all have learned a lot too. I am not afraid to tackle issues dealing with sexuality and intimacy, but I will not let these topics travel to raunchy territory.

UPDATE: I just want to give my personal thoughts on this ancient tradtion. It seems to me that Kama Sutra is to be equated with love and that the two are interchangeable. Maybe that would be another topic of discussion about why I think sex does not equal love. People have been practicing and performing Kama Sutra for ages and may not even realize it. It is the original Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man and provides a insight on dating, marriage, sex, and overall satisfaction.

From The Complete Illustrated Kama Sutra edited by Lance Dane

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